I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
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I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
We have started to decorate penises.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
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