Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
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No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize