I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
