I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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