I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
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