EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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