that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
