I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
