Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
