I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
