why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
