why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
