I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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