Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
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