You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
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Best friends brother. Beat that.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
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I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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