I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
