I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Two words: blizzard sex
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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