I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
