And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Randomize
