dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
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Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
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Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.