Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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