We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
