Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
3 2 1 whiskey
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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