the condom got lost in my hair
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
