You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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