U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
