a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
You've changed since you got that strap on
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