I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
