3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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