I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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