You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
