Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
