We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
