the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize