I never want to see another naked old woman again.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
