First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
