Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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