why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
and i looked up. we had an audience...
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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