member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
