Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
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