You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
