I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
