Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
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