I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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