I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
