this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
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You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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