Pappa wants mamma naked
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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