I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
