There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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