I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
