Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
