If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
