you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
