New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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