FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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