we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
