I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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