My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Randomize
